'96 Questions

by William Walsh

NOTE: Calvin Trillin covered the 1996 presidential primaries for TIME magazine. Here's a question-based derived text sourced from his bi-weekly columns:

Do you think this would be better with the sound off? Did you hear me? What? Will he really be able to call a halt to the 'permanent campaign' that has occupied him all his adult life? Or will he be tempted by a nearby electorate that is likely to give him the affection he craves? Could it be that, 30 years after less nimble members of his generation had to make the journey, Bill Clinton will flee to Canada? Did you see Elizabeth Dole on the Tonight Show wearing a black leather jacket and motorcycle boots? Could it be that I heard the President discussing boxer shorts on television? So why the deafening silence from Clinton and Dole? Will it have a major impact on national politics, only delayed rather than immediate? How, then, could the anti-affirmative-action cause fail to catch on? Does America now provide genuinely equal opportunity for all its citizens? Which group is bigger? If bureaucrats didn't invent beach volleyball, who did? Why did I exercise this uncharacteristic restraint? A net-putting-up permit? Can this be worse than what he did for Helms? Why were they there? An environmental statement? Something about what federal prosecutors sometimes call a sting? Who did he look like before that? Michael Dukakis? Walter Mondale? Is something out of whack here, or is this just the unfettered operation of a free market? Or will they have to content themselves with an enigmatic man dressed in a bumblebee suit? Would San Diego show the zealots' might? The Contract? Is it respectful, for instance, for Roy Rogers to display his horse Trigger stuffed in a noble pose but disrespectful for Torrington to display a stuffed gopher robbing a bank? But how about me? Where would he get the rest of the money? O.K., Ed, he'd begin, did you have a second scotch or just the one? Do you think the Hammer's phone is tapped? Epstein had a file? At the end of the ceremony, how would you decide who stomps on the glass? What if instead the ceremony ended with both participants trying to maneuver themselves into position to be the one who did the stomping? What sort of way is that to begin a marriage? If that fails to convince voters that he's no longer a Washington insider, is it only a matter of time before he shows up in a red checked flannel shirt? May I help you into the building, sir? But how about Bill Clinton, who has said that he will be happy to sign the tax repeal into law? Should he get $9.50? Or does he deserve an even larger share for being willing to sign a measure that he clearly thinks is completely stupid? Do you realize that if only people with flying-saucer experience vote, Ross Perot will be President of the United States? Which candidate can you most easily imagine rolling little steel balls around in his hand? Did Gramm take offense? Did his supporters write letters to newspapers and magazines about his loyalty, his interesting gait, his ever alert nature and his ability to learn simple tricks much faster than a golden retriever? Is that really the message we want to project? The other guy is the Gap, and our guy is Fruit of the Loom? Was I offended by this intense scrutiny of a man who was officially off duty? Which country would she have invaded? If a childhood in Kansas is a way to explain Bob Dole's minimalist approach to public speaking, as we've been hearing lately, how do you account for my sister Sukey? Carried? But what would the referee say about someone carrying the ball? Why would you need a referee if nothing's against the rules? Neither team going to choose you, Ralph? How can you run against someone who's off in a spaceship having his bodily fluids removed and his orifices probed? How do you know the alien's name was Epstein, Pat? Did he talk? Do all extraterrestrials have Jewish names? Does that look black up there near where his fangs are bared? Or is that just the way the sun hits the fur when he gets into mauling position? You were expecting maybe The Brothers Karamazov? But what is that compared with Dole attacking the capitalists? Did you see the winner of the Westminster Kennel Club dog show?